in me . . .

in me . . .

i was looking for someone to fall in love with
most of my adult life
the experiences took me from “Pillar to Post”
and back again
No, not her, she had issues
and i did too
so true
Two wrongs never made a right
and most people i encountered
were just wrong for me
or perhaps i was just askew
though the love may have been new
it usually got old
quickly
and sickly
in my fickly predisposition
and my judgmental demeanor

my standards were probably shaped and molded
by the things i have been told
over the years
by Afro Sheen
Clairol,
Ebony and Jet
Mr. Johnson
let go of my Johnson
and let me filter through my own nonsense
in stead of this constant  . .
fog
yes, i was not in touch with . . . well . . .
i don’t know
i didn’t even know what i was supposed to be in touch with
ha ha ha

funny how when we get older and look back
we see all the squandered opportunities
to touch and be touched
yet touched i was
by my self and my demands
i did not understand what the urgings were
or where they came from
could it have been fear
as i indulged in those things within me
so unclear
and doubtful
but, now that i am here
i grasp a hold of perhaps a deeper insight
realizing that the Night
ruled my day
what can i say
any way
i remember when they called this feeling of being
Ego Centric
and now i ask . .
if i am not centered in who i am
what good am i to any one
perhaps that is it
all the nonsense and bull shit
i have eaten and could not quite digest
yes
i must confess
i did not do so well on that test
yet somehow i deluded myself into believing
i was giving my best
so i laugh again at me
for all i wanted truly
was to be free
of all the Rules and Rote
and Ritual
so i could enjoy the victuals of life
on that note . . .
here i am
still looking for the meaning
of my looking without
for that love i always had
in me !


16 December 2010 : William S. Peters, Sr.