Ther Vine Keeper

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Thursday, November 22, 2012

i die daily . . .

i die daily

it was July 2, 2006
when your Mother left us
. . . for you

for me
it was December 19, 2003
when the Biopsy . . . came back
and we were told
it was Cancer

Something in me died that day
and ever since
that fateful day
i die daily
without fail

in every thought
i have had since then
the very smell
the very taste
was and is tainted
with that memory

all the trips to the Doctors
and their suspect reassurance
that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma
was the best of Cancers to get
yet . . .

ha ! it all ends the same
eventually . . .  doesn’t it ?

that is the cynic in me
who sees a different reality
at times

JoJo aka Wynston was 3
just stopped nursing
not too long ago
he was still attached to her

Wesley was 5
and discovering his Boy-Hood
and he is still “Wild and Crazy”
talented too

Myiya, 7
such a sweet baby girl of mine
with smiles bigger than sunshine

Monii, 9
a delicate flower
who probably needed Mommy the most
so it seemed

and Marian, Marian, Marian .. . 9
intelligent and strong outward appearance
but i knew that inside
there was turmoil
and the lack of understanding
as to why . . . just like me
and the rest of us

Melody, 11
the sensitive Muse
perhaps confused
lacing her anguish in language
between her thoughts
tears and poetic verse

Billy, 14
he was honest and raw
He did not like what he saw.
He wanted to be the “MAN”
fix it all
as he walked off
his pain and convolution
no solutions  . ..

Micole, 16
the eldest
she was the One
the first One
and i can only imagine
her deep fears
and hidden tears
for her best friend
her oldest friend
was saying her goodbyes

Mommy . . .  i die daily

the tears could not fix it
nor did the prayers

God saw fit
to have her exit
this realm of existence
without even an explanation

that damn equation did not work for me
it seems that the summation
is all wrong
for a beautiful song
was coming to a close
and from that day on
to today

and for tomorrow
our sorrow is still before us
and i die daily

on another hand
understand this
that i am happy
that you all have each other
Sisters and Brothers
to remind you of the Gift left behind
and whom you love
and what love is
i hope you find

i wish it could have been me
in lieu of Mommy
so you
would not have had
to suffer through this
and yes, i miss her too
achingly true

and each day since
i have died daily
i have no defense
to the deference
life affords us

i have died for her
for you too
but that would not do
for you
nor for me

you see
we all are still pained
a deep one
from which we can not hide
nor forget
yet we still must live on
even though
she is gone

and despite the 10 Thousand times
i have died
the countless millions of tears
i have cried
and all the lies
i have told my self
there is not a lasting consolance
save my delusions

yet the contusions continue to add up
mixed with the confusion
as to why
which is why
i die daily
to escape
the non waning pain
of absence
in her absence and yours

but in the end
we all will cross over
and perhaps . . . just perhaps
there is some truth
to what they say
that some day
we shall all rejoice
and lift our voices
to the heavens
and we shall meet again

and my friend
i hope this is irrefutable
a immutable truth
for all mankind

and the truth is
though i have defied death
denied death
cried at the casket
a lasting tear
and fasted
we must overcome our fears
for death
it is but a breath away

and as i am saying here
in the end
if you are not willing to die
you are not willing to live

we must face death
that we may embrace life
so with a great honor
to life
i die daily

© 22 November 2012 : william s. peters, sr.

I am thankful this day for so many things on so many levels. I am thankful for the experience of having the opportunity to have encountered such a wonderful soul in this “Life Path”. I am thankful for the Children we bore together  . .. the Fruit of our Vine. I am thankful for the memories, and i am prayerful that age will not steal them all from me. I am thankful for where i am this day in spite of what has transpired in my life, for today i do clearly understand the meaning of “THANKFULNESS”. I am thankful for what ever course lies before me. It is not that things will get better nor worse, but i will have the experience to add unto my soul. I am thankful for my intent and my “Knowing” that i can choose to LOVE  . . . that is a gift for sure, for in the absence of time, Love Prevails still.

This poem may appear to be a difficult one to express, but my Lorde thank you for Poetry, for it is truly a “Healing Balm” for myself, and hopefully for others as well as we tell our stories through verse or hear them through the verse of others.

Today i am Thankful for all things . . .  that which i long for, for i know that i am alive for i desire and have passion. Each day i pick my Life up again on the awakening and i begin anew. Let us face Death boldly that we may appreciate Life. I die Daily !


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Would like to sincerely offer our Gratitude to all those who have contributed their Words in Poems, Prose, Prayers and Stories to the cause.

Healing Through Words

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