i die daily . . .

i die daily

it was July 2, 2006

when your Mother left us

. . . for you

for me

it was December 19, 2003

when the Biopsy . . . came back

and we were told

it was Cancer

Something in me died that day

and ever since

that fateful day

i die daily

without fail

in every thought

i have had since then

the very smell

the very taste

was and is tainted

with that memory

all the trips to the Doctors

and their suspect reassurance

that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma

was the best of Cancers to get

yet . . .

ha ! it all ends the same

eventually . . .  doesn’t it ?

that is the cynic in me

who sees a different reality

at times

JoJo aka Wynston was 3

just stopped nursing

not too long ago

he was still attached to her

Wesley was 5

and discovering his Boy-Hood

and he is still “Wild and Crazy”

talented too

Myiya, 7

such a sweet baby girl of mine

with smiles bigger than sunshine

Monii, 9

a delicate flower

who probably needed Mommy the most

so it seemed

and Marian, Marian, Marian .. . 9

intelligent and strong outward appearance

but i knew that inside

there was turmoil

and the lack of understanding

as to why . . . just like me

and the rest of us

Melody, 11

the sensitive Muse

perhaps confused

lacing her anguish in language

between her thoughts

tears and poetic verse

Billy, 14

he was honest and raw

He did not like what he saw.

He wanted to be the “MAN”

and

fix it all

as he walked off

his pain and convolution

no solutions  . ..

Micole, 16

the eldest

she was the One

the first One

and i can only imagine

her deep fears

and hidden tears

for her best friend

her oldest friend

was saying her goodbyes

Mommy . . .  i die daily

the tears could not fix it

nor did the prayers

God saw fit

to have her exit

this realm of existence

without even an explanation

that damn equation did not work for me

it seems that the summation

is all wrong

for a beautiful song

was coming to a close

and from that day on

to today

and for tomorrow

our sorrow is still before us

and i die daily

on another hand

understand this

that i am happy

that you all have each other

Sisters and Brothers

Loving

to remind you of the Gift left behind

and whom you love

and what love is

i hope you find

i wish it could have been me

in lieu of Mommy

so you

would not have had

to suffer through this

and yes, i miss her too

achingly true

and each day since

i have died daily

for

i have no defense

to the deference

life affords us

i have died for her

for you too

but that would not do

for you

nor for me

you see

we all are still pained

inside

a deep one

from which we can not hide

nor forget

yet we still must live on

even though

she is gone

and despite the 10 Thousand times

i have died

the countless millions of tears

i have cried

and all the lies

i have told my self

there is not a lasting consolance

save my delusions

perhaps

yet the contusions continue to add up

mixed with the confusion

as to why

which is why

i die daily

to escape

the non waning pain

of absence

in her absence and yours

but in the end

we all will cross over

and perhaps . . . just perhaps

there is some truth

to what they say

that some day

we shall all rejoice

and lift our voices

to the heavens

and we shall meet again

and my friend

i hope this is irrefutable

a immutable truth

for all mankind

and the truth is

though i have defied death

denied death

cried at the casket

a lasting tear

and fasted

we must overcome our fears

for death

it is but a breath away

and as i am saying here

in the end

if you are not willing to die

you are not willing to live

we must face death

that we may embrace life

so with a great honor

to life

i die daily

© 22 November 2012 : william s. peters, sr.

I am thankful this day for so many things on so many levels. I am thankful for the experience of having the opportunity to have encountered such a wonderful soul in this “Life Path”. I am thankful for the Children we bore together  . .. the Fruit of our Vine. I am thankful for the memories, and i am prayerful that age will not steal them all from me. I am thankful for where i am this day in spite of what has transpired in my life, for today i do clearly understand the meaning of “THANKFULNESS”. I am thankful for what ever course lies before me. It is not that things will get better nor worse, but i will have the experience to add unto my soul. I am thankful for my intent and my “Knowing” that i can choose to LOVE  . . . that is a gift for sure, for in the absence of time, Love Prevails still.

This poem may appear to be a difficult one to express, but my Lorde thank you for Poetry, for it is truly a “Healing Balm” for myself, and hopefully for others as well as we tell our stories through verse or hear them through the verse of others.

Today i am Thankful for all things . . .  that which i long for, for i know that i am alive for i desire and have passion. Each day i pick my Life up again on the awakening and i begin anew. Let us face Death boldly that we may appreciate Life. I die Daily !

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