but today . . . until now

but today  . . . until now

the day has gone

and here i am

upon my knees praying

giving reverent thanks

for my life

and all that is my life

i didn’t think about you today

until now

this somewhat saddens me

in some strange way

you see,

i have suffered your loss

your passing

your death

for a while now

i remember how much it hurt

when you first crossed over

died

and i vied

i prayed

i cried

i laid

down in my bed of sorrows

cursing my day

and my tomorrow

for i did not want to spend it

without you

i didn’t think about you today

until now

yes, as time went on

i prayed fervently

avidly

rabidly at times

that the lyrical way i lived

the rhymes that you gave to my life

would either miraculously return

or be gone . . . forever

i didn’t think about you today

until now

yes i have to admit

that over the past few years

i have thought of you less

and less

i thought it was a test

i thought it was me

getting stronger you see

but . . .

i didn’t think about you today

until now

i sit here in examination

of this profound

revelation

and my sadness returns

and the tears

they burn their way

from within my memories

my thoughts

bringing forth a stinging saltiness

of a guilt i do not understand

my God help me

i am only but a man

this suit of my emotions

this non balanced equation

that seems to be the summation

of my life

does not fit me well

i didn’t think about you today

until now

and now here i am

still by my self

along with my prayers

and still yet

my fears realized

for i remember fearing

being without you

and lo . . .  did that too

not become true

i didn’t think about you today

until now

and now i wonder

could i have healed you

made you

live forever

in a way i can touch

my love

i miss you soooo much

but

i didn’t think about you today

until now

so i wrote this poem

to commemorate

what some may say

is my insensitivity

my proclivity

a propensity

to not be in pain

for too many days

the tears poisoned my thoughts

my joys

and drove me insane

and now, yes now

they have just about dried up

my cup of overbearing sorrow

is now empty

i did not notice

any waning of my love for you

it is just different

but today . . .

i didn’t think about you today

until now

© 2 October 2012 : william s. peters, sr.

www.iamjustbill.com

www.innerchildpress.com