Ther Vine Keeper

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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

but today . . . until now


but today  . . . until now

the day has gone
and here i am
upon my knees praying
giving reverent thanks
for my life
and all that is my life

i didn’t think about you today
until now

this somewhat saddens me
in some strange way

you see,
i have suffered your loss
your passing
your death
for a while now

i remember how much it hurt
when you first crossed over
died
and i vied
i prayed
i cried
i laid
down in my bed of sorrows
cursing my day
and my tomorrow
for i did not want to spend it
without you

i didn’t think about you today
until now

yes, as time went on
i prayed fervently
avidly
rabidly at times
that the lyrical way i lived
the rhymes that you gave to my life
would either miraculously return
or be gone . . . forever

i didn’t think about you today
until now

yes i have to admit
that over the past few years
i have thought of you less
and less

i thought it was a test
i thought it was me
getting stronger you see
but . . .

i didn’t think about you today
until now

i sit here in examination
of this profound
revelation
and my sadness returns
and the tears
they burn their way
from within my memories
my thoughts
bringing forth a stinging saltiness
of a guilt i do not understand

my God help me
i am only but a man

this suit of my emotions
this non balanced equation
that seems to be the summation
of my life
does not fit me well

i didn’t think about you today
until now

and now here i am
still by my self
along with my prayers
and still yet
my fears realized
for i remember fearing
being without you
and lo . . .  did that too
not become true

i didn’t think about you today
until now

and now i wonder
could i have healed you
made you
live forever
in a way i can touch

my love
i miss you soooo much
but

i didn’t think about you today
until now

so i wrote this poem
to commemorate
what some may say
is my insensitivity
my proclivity
a propensity
to not be in pain

for too many days
the tears poisoned my thoughts
my joys
and drove me insane

and now, yes now
they have just about dried up
my cup of overbearing sorrow
is now empty

i did not notice
any waning of my love for you
it is just different

but today . . .

i didn’t think about you today
until now


© 2 October 2012 : william s. peters, sr.


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